Here I Am

This morning began as many of my mornings do. I got a cup of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table, lit a candle and began journaling.

I journal a lot.

Not every day, and sometimes, not even every week, but quite often, it's how I begin my day. It's one way I focus on thinking about the bigger issues in my life. Lately, however, I've begun to think of my journal as more of a book of prayers.

The Roman god, Janus, who is the namesake of January, has two faces. He's a portal of sorts with one face looking back and one face looking forward: the perfect image of a New Year.

I'm not much on New Year's Resolutions, but figuratively speaking, it's the one time of year when we all have a clean slate; a fresh beginning. I like taking time to pause so I can reflect on the past year and ponder the New Year.

This morning, I took the opportunity to do just that.

Several things came to mind and this is what I wrote:

1. What would happen if I approached every new month as if it were the beginning of a new year? What if I took on the role of Janus on the first day of each month and intentionally looked both backwards and forwards?
2. At then end of 2009, I had an epiphany. My journal entry for December 30, 2009 was "many things that I get caught up in and am disappointed by can be changed with two things: a change in action and a change of attitude." I tried to keep that in mind during this past year and I want to continue into 2011.
3. I attended the funeral of John Yowell yesterday. He was 59. He was the husband of my two oldest daughters' Girl Scout leader. I didn't know him . . . but I wish I had. The Rector told a lovely story about John. Last winter, a friend asked him what he was giving up for Lent (she was giving up chocolate). Very matter-of-factly, he replied that he was giving up himself. He was going to be looking for ways to put others first.
4. How would my life change if I began each day by asking God to use me? Not just asking a casual question, but asking and really listening for the answer . . . and then being willing to respond. Boy, that's a scarey thought. I've prayed that prayer before and it's a VERY powerful prayer. It is NOT a prayer for wimps.

Almost before I could get that last pondering written in my journal, the word "blog" thundered into my mind. It came out of nowhere.

I have a blog, but I haven't posted anything on it in close to two years.

Am I serious enough about beginning each day with that question that I could commit to blogging about it?

Why would I want to blog about it?

Wouldn't it be a waste of time? There are so many blogs and so much info . . . who has the time to read one more blog? Who would want to?

Wouldn't it almost seem that I was tooting my own horn or patting myself on the back if I wrote publicly about how God was using me?

This whole blog thread seems so random . . . it just doesn't make sense . . .

Unless . . .

What if the blog-thing is actually a God-thing? What if that's His first answer?

It seems silly to me.

Why would God want me to blog?

On the other hand, why would He not want me to blog?

What if this IS my first answer and I just ignore it . . . ?

I guess it won't hurt anything if I just go with it.

For now, I'm going to do just that. I'm going to assume that I served the ball when I asked the question and that God volleyed back the word "blog."

I'm game, God. Here I am. How do you want to use me?